Hold On: Last Offerings

Last Offerings


Bring to pause my reckless haste
Remind me of what I would waste
These trees I see as skeletons
In waiting for the spring to come
But cast the night as night away
Forget not that there’s more to days
Than what can be shown by the sun
You show me things I’d leave undone

(Chorus)
Oh
Ride the barrel down
Oh
Gather the gang around
There’s always something more than what we bring
And I’ve given not my last offering

Tell me something of your past
Some clue to what is made to last
Your words to choose, each is your choice
I only want your voice
Perhaps we’re two sides of a coin
Called but fell a ball baring
Rolling off of the table
We are nothing if not falling

(Repeat chorus)

Cool my head and warm my frame
The private longing still remains
Though I assured you I was tamed
You assured me you were the same
The faithless cries “believe in me!”
To his wild river queen
But I can be what I must be
If at Montecristo again we’ll meet

(Repeat chorus)

The ceremonies come again
Of what will break and what will bend
Of what will grow from what will mend
And scarred what will descend
Rights of fire, of pride or shame
Please tell me now, what we remain?
To celebrate this would seem strange
But like to all, celebrations change

(Repeat chorus)


January, 7, 2009

Hold On: Border Town

Border Town


Honey lets go build a fort
Out of sheets and blankets
And hang blue Christmas lights from everywhere
Bedouin or astronaut
I don’t know what I forgot
But I will improvise to keep this part

And only you are allowed to call me “Baby”
And only you get to mess up my hair
And only you see me after the after-show-party
When I’m tired of being someone else somewhere

Where I end and you begin
A pocket made between two skins
I get so lost down in this border town
Push me up; I’m backsliding
I read too much in your crying
I’ve grown unfamiliar with tears of joy

And only you are allowed to call me “Baby”
And only you get to mess up my hair
And only you see me after the after-show-party
And I couldn’t care what is or isn’t fair


December 8, 2008

Whale In A River of Americana Dreams

Whale In A River of Americana Dreams


Beneath a denim sky
Got you on my mind
Only place that I can get you
The only place within this time
Beneath a denim sky
I think you kissed me there…
Asked you to tell me ‘bout the ocean
You whispered Americana in my ear
Americana in my ear

(Chorus)
Whale in a river
Whale in a river
Feel like a Whale in a river
Crawling through the mud to the ocean
Oh, honey, you’re an ocean

Beneath a denim sky
With the windows down
Driving by the vineyards
With your tail to your hometown
Driving past the teenage pines
That curtain the clay fields…
The things people don’t notice
Enough to make you wish that you couldn’t feel
Make you wish you couldn’t feel

(Repeat chorus)

(Bridge)
Heard that Kerouac was a mamma’s boy
The spine is broken on your paperback
Don’t look back
Don’t look back
Don’t look back
Cause you’re not twenty-one anymore
And the spine is broken on your paperback

Beneath a denim sky
I try to find my roots
Been chasing gypsy women
But their cards tell me nothing new
These Petrarchan love poems
And songs for the sirens…
Come on and meet me on the boardwalk
I’ll tell you of all the fools that I have been
That I have ever been

(Repeat chorus)


January 8, 2009

Hold On: Hell or High Water

Hell or High Water


You’d take the path of
Least resistance
Strictly business
Professional
I think you’re making
Rash decisions
Private incisions
A strange comfort
Your career first
And tell me, what would they say about…
What would they say about…
Going out of league?
Should cut me loose before
Cracking enamel
Finding a mammal inside of you…

Baby, I’m coming
Gonna see you tomorrow
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
Forget the falters
Of fathers and mothers
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
And show you it’s real
Show you we’re real

My blood is warm; I’m
Tender and throbbing
Vainly dislodging
This semblance of truth
Can’t call it off
But I’ll share the fault when
Thought I was walking
Wasn’t running too soon
But I was really a stature
All covered in bird shit
National monument to the path of least resistance
And what would they say…
If we took their maps and chose a more scenic root?
But anyway…
Just a thought in passing through elevator doors
The choice is yours… to make…

Gonna take the path of
Least resistance
Heeding insistence
You still crumble
I can tell you’re faking
These gay provisions
Private incisions
Your levee can’t hold
But your career first
Well tell me, what would they say about…
What would they say about…
A sudden collapsing?
Guess you’ve cut me loose and your
Taking good care of
Getting prepared for your new remove…

Baby, I’m coming
Gonna see you tomorrow
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
Forget the falters
Of fathers and mothers
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
And show you it’s real
Show you we’re real

I’m going down
My back finds that wall
Could you say that again?
Could you - please, could you tell me…

Baby, I’m coming
Gonna see you tomorrow
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
Forget the falters
Of fathers and mothers
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
Baby, I’m coming
Gonna see you tomorrow
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
Forget the falters
Of fathers and mothers
Hell or high water
I just have to see you
And show you it’s real
Show you we’re real


September 29, 2008

Hold On: Leave Again

Leave Again


He’s got you figured for an actor
You look too smart to be a model
I guess that tells you what he knows about models
So does this mean the ice is broken?
Beads are forming on the glass
You thought of ducking out, but the rain picked up so fast
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

Music’s blaring from the iPod
Perched in-between the speakers
Everyone talks like articles from magazines
And he looks like he don’t belong here
Evokes old weddings, prearranged
“Almost Blue” came on, but was sadly quickly changed
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

He caught a sub out of Manhattan
Glad to be out of the happenin’
It wasn’t like in those old Woody Allen films
In a window, you’re eating dumplings
Feeding another dreamer’s dreams
As he passes by, on his way to Tiffany’s

New York City girl, go home
If you can’t go home…
It’s time to leave again
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

Wide eyed – how serendipitous
Some sticky-bun kinda mischief
Have we met before – oh, wait was that your line?
Yes, I still am quite the cynic
Perhaps trying to pawn my jade
For the story of your tank top’s oil paint stains
Oats and McCarthy
Drinks and dancing
Your place or mine?

Someday they’ll call me a great lover
And then they’ll call you a whore
And then they’ll be another letter at your door
Saying it is for the better
Meaning convenient if he ran
Though his softened words dull not familiar pangs
Plath and Piñero
Shots and dancing
His place or yours?
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

Go party with all your dishwashers
All your shaggy haired songwriters
Your skinny poets in their dirty pinstripe pants
But you know you miss Virginia
Or was it Texas, or maybe Main?
And you know I just have so many, many names

Stanton City boy went home
If you can’t go home…
It’s time to leave again
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

Third time around warrants hesitance
Am I a retuning contestant?
Guess I’m coming back, bristled with my claws out
But do you know how hard it’s been Hon?
Pretending to feel nothing
Ever since that night when you didn’t mind walkin’
In the rain
Pouring rain
In the rain

Paper bag with two warm muffins
Your coffee’s sweet and milky
Watch the mist, pierced by the dawn’s amorous rays
Sitting on a mossy brick wall
In a sleepy college town
As ants scurry over the eggshells on the ground
Lean on my shoulder
Hold my hand
Kiss your cheek
Are we falling?
Are we broken?
Are we falling?
Are we falling?
Are we broken?
Are we falling?
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm

The lucky sofa’s in the u-haul
Our stories’ all in boxes
And the cops outside want to know if your brother’s here
You know I think I’m getting better
Getting used to all this change
But just when I do, you ask me to stand still
Lean on my shoulder
Hold my hand
Kiss your cheek
Mmmhmmm
Mmm-mmm
Mmmhmmm


September 19, 2008 (revised October 24, 2008)

Hold On: Sometimes You Need To Lose

Sometimes You Need To Lose


I don’t need – an intervention
I don’t need – to be controlled
All I asked – you for – was a hand to hold
I don’t need – your pessimism
I don’t care – what you think you know
I am going – to climb – out of this hole

Maybe you were right, what you said before
But you’re still perfect and alone
You’re still perfect and alone
You’re still perfect and alone… with everything
I was only living to keep my head up
I would have gone like a light if I weren’t scared of the dark
I don’t mind showing people scars
I don’t mind sharing

You might think – that I’m a loser
All you see – Is where I’ve been
But I can’t tell you now…
I don’t know – where to begin
But I don’t need – your patronizing
I don’t need – your mockery
If you’re so high – why do you have – all this time for me?


January 17, 2009

Hold On: Nectarine

Nectarine


We can make it there on fumes
We can coast down the hills
She says we’ll be all right
We’ll figure out something
It’s gonna all work out
It’s got to all work out
Squeezing hands so tight
God, I just need to believe
I just need to believe
I need to believe
To keep on… going

The coffee’s getting cold
The ice naturally melts
It all tastes watered down
And everything is sweating
Tell me how you’re feeling
Please, tell me how it felt
You say nothing out loud
But I need to believe
So scared of what’s coming
I need to believe
To keep on… going

Cause I want to be a child
I want that thoughtless space
Before I looked around
And it all looked back at me
But then I paint our pretty house
I see you naked there
Swelling like a nectarine
And, I just need to believe
I just need to believe
I need to believe
To keep on… going


November 23, 2008

Hold On: Suffice to Waltz

Suffice to Waltz


Red
Heart-shaped balloons
All over the room
Hang down their ribbons
Just out of reach
Curled on the couch
Your head in my lap
Guess I’m forgiven
It still feels too soon

Wine makes it all feel all right
You pour me a glass
It looks like a –

Red
Tear-shaped balloon
Like memories resumed
Falling back up your cheek
Over yesterday’s strewn…
And I’ll play the fool
Who breaks his own rules
Trying to be something more
Then what you’ve assumed

Wine makes it all feel all right
Let’s dance in damp streets
It’s pouring inside


November 15, 2008

Hold On: Some Still Remain

Some Still Remain


All our college friends are breaking up
Phoned-in proposals were made
And jokes about the walk of shame
But it’s all right
Cindy can’t remember a thing
They said to wear a bathing suit
Some sordid sorority
I wasn’t really paying attention
Just rubbernecking the wreckage
My god
It gets to me, now and then…

(Chorus)
Sorry for rambling; just calling to tell you I love you
And that I’m…
Such a lucky son-of-a-bitch
And I know it…
Hey, will you talk me to sleep if sun doesn’t beat us?
God, I’m…
Such a lucky son-of-a-bitch
And I know it…

Cause all our college friends are breaking up
Seniors foresee the diaspora
But not before the unhooked bra
But it’s all right
Right on time for the fourth-year-fifth
They said he had to grow a pair
“If she’s a feminist she must be a dike”
“Come on, were hazing the freshmen tonight”
Now I’m rubbernecking the wreckage
Oh god
It gets to me, now and then…

(Repeat chorus)

All our college friends are falling apart
Kenneth’s on the rebound again
With that smooth skin he’ll fuck anything
And Hannah thought
It was better not to let him know
Thank god this isn’t her hometown
With her hometown laws
Of course, the irony hits her then
But still she takes care of it
You know
It really gets to me, now and then…

(Repeat chorus)


January 7, 2009

Hold On: Want It

Want It


They tried to put you in their place
But they called it yours
And you believed them
Jealous, they only see disgrace
They look at you
And you remind them

What if, what if
It couldn’t be
What was inside
They had nothing
And you…
You remind them
So they embrace you with their shears
Salting the earth over the years
Until you bear nothing but tears then grow no more

Now you’ve returned to that headspace
Where eyes go blank
Empty submission
You let them put you in their place
Let them call it yours
Till you believed it

Someday, someday
There will not be
What was inside
Is hollowing
Cause you…
You believed them
So now you do not move an inch
Too far inside to feel the pinch
Dreaming of lynching like a marionette cut to the floor
But you cannot unring the bell
Forever hold your peace
Forever hold your peace
Please…
Just want it
Just want it
Want it… and you will find the strength

You’re not as broken as you think
There’s still fight in you
If you’ll believe it
You’re just caught in a bad headspace
And they put you here
To keep you feeding it

No more, no more
Make your escape
All that’s inside
They’ve tried to break
But you…
You still feel it
So they embrace you with their shears
But all their power disappears
Rusted away, now you can see all their fears


December 5, 2008

Hold On: Rude Awakenings

Rude Awakenings


I want
To drink pure water
From mountains made of concrete
I want
To rip the heart out
Of the last cannibal king
My dreams:
Such vast collages
Cut-up memories
I see
These marriages
Marauders following

(Chorus)
Sometimes
Rude awakenings
Are inescapable
With time
All awakenings
Inescapable

I go
Up to the bowery
Of Lady Pygmalion
To give
Back to her sweet cherub
All of his poisoned darts
I don’t need
To give a moor’s last sigh
I don’t need that kind of love
But indeed
Bombay is burning
And I’m a prodigal son

(Repeat chorus)

Maybe
I’ll keep it regional
These things I forge in my soul
Slowly
I have grown arrogant
This ain’t no panopticon
My dreams:
Aren’t quite as lucid
As when I was seventeen
I flee
To the Unreal City
Marauders following

(Repeat chorus)


December 12, 2008

Hold On: Wolves and Sheep

Wolves and Sheep


I can’t see the lamb – amongst the herd
And I’ve been told
Of wolves in sheep’s clothing
I can’t here the word when everyone speaks
But I’ve been told
Of wolves in sheep’s clothing
So please forgive me if I don’t know
To whom it is that I confess upon my knees
That I’m a sheep… in wolves’ clothing

I’ve been told of lands, the greenest of greens
And I’ve been told
Of wolves in sheep’s clothing
That paradise awaits – that he’s coming
But I’ve been told
Of wolves in sheep’s clothing
So please forgive me if I don’t know
The manna from the gingerbread on which I feed
Turkish delight… is oh so sweet

(Bridge)
Is this love or is this need?
Restless, I cling to the pulley
Wit ravished, is my submission
What you wish of me?

I can’t hear the word – when anyone speaks
And I’ve been told
Of wolves in sheep’s clothing
Martyrs and forgiveness… the company of Good Deeds
I grow cold
Among wolves in sheep’s clothing
So please forgive me if I don’t know
What is wanted as I confess upon my knees
That I’m a sheep… in wolves’ clothing


January 8, 2009

Hold On: Maybe If Lucky

Maybe If Lucky


Hey, aren’t you going to the victory party?
God, you are such a buzzkill!
Mumblin’ about Yeats and some “terrible beauty”
Will nothing ever please you?
Everyone is screaming in the hall
Blenders pureeing
Bacardi and Smirnoff
And maybe if lucky… a cherry on top

Hey, aren’t you going to the victory party?
Why aren’t you bouncing off the walls?
You’ve got a headache—this paper’s due at 9:30
Everything is going to be okay
Blenders pureeing
Smirnoff and Bacardi
And maybe if lucky…

It was 1984 for eight years
So I heard, so I heard
But they never put the rats on me
White guilt and blood thinners
But now the radio tells me here comes Animal Farm
I’m getting sick of George Orwell
(Tell me I can’t say bomb…)
If life’s a joke that’s what it’s doing

Go ahead
Draw your lines in the sand
(But the high tide is still rising)
Go ahead
Throw your confetti in the street
(It’s so great for our water shed)
Go ahead
This is a time for rejoicing
But will any of you stand guard…
After the changing of the guards?

Everything is going to be okay
Blenders pureeing
Smirnoff and Bacardi
Maybe if lucky…


January 18, 2009

Hold On: Tough Love

Tough Love


If you want to tell me how you feel
How ‘bout you quit trying to get numb?
It’s tough love
I know
But I’m breaking in my funeral clothes
And I’m scared
They’re starting to get comfortable

You swear to god you mean it this time
But a cup of black coffee’s not a bottomless hole
It’s tough love
I know
But I’m breaking in my funeral clothes
And I’m scared
They’re starting to get comfortable

You talk of all the happy people
Like they owe you something, whoever they are
That’s enough
I’m done
We’ve been in this ditch before
But I moved on
I won’t be held responsible

Fashion devours everything
You get so nihilistic over kids’ clothing
Are you still rootless in the kudzu, baby?
Choking the few trees that the super-store left behind?

I haven’t called you up in a long time
No news is good news I suppose, I suppose
I copped out
I know
But I’m breaking in my funeral clothes
And I’m scared
They’re starting to get comfortable


September 8, 2008

Hold On: Three Fingers and a Mariner's Song

Three Fingers and a Mariner’s Song


Hit the ground a-running
That’s how it always was
And yet our feet, they were dragging
Our meeting ripe for sabotage
Such good, good love...
It left us bragging
Bragging to everyone

I always had your back because I was so far behind
It was only a matter of time
Before your neck grew stiff from turnin’
And I became an anchor ‘gainst your sails
Just as they were catching the wind
How could I hate you then
For leaving me when you did?

But I don’t want to be an anchor anymore
Never before a thought of leaving
I am leaving the harbor

Now you tell me that the winds sometimes are cold
Your ship is ever moving
And though so grand - the sea is not a home
So will I take you once again?
A gypsy with my blood still on her hands?
Oh, I would take you any way
But I’m afraid…
I want this to be real too much, you see?
Oh, can’t you see this ragged wraith that I’ve become in my longing?
Oh, can’t you see?
In your time of doubt, I was strong for you
Now you’ve got to be strong for me

Cause I’m not sure about
The stitches holding my heart
I’m still healing from the last time around
You got to be easy with me
You got to be patient, honey
I am holding on to the arms of your clock
Like Harold Lloyd
My grip is not so sure

Awake to gentle shower
The beach is a grey world
Walking along the watermark
Had the last year really occurred?
Such good, good love...
We left it hanging
Hung out to dry in passion’s drought

No more extensions, may we stand now side by side?
The dying part of me has died
Upon the thought of the life I’ve lived
Continuing its fruitless stale motions
Heavy and numb to the winds
How could I remain this thing
After the time with you I’ve spent?

No, I don’t want to be an anchor anymore
So let us sing a mariner’s song
Holding hands along this shore

Raise the sails; I say we ride into the storm
This ship’s still young and able
And when it’s cold - then I will keep you warm
So will you take me once again?
With familiar scars a stranger changed
For I would take you any way
But I’m afraid…
I want this to be real too much, you see?
Oh, can’t you see this jaded grace that I’ve unwound in my longing?
Oh, can’t you see?
In your time of doubt, I held on for you
Now you’ve got to hold on for me

Cause I’m not sure about
The stitches holding my heart
I’m still healing from the last time around
You got to be easy with me
You got to be patient, honey
I am holding on to the arms of your clock
Like Harold Lloyd
My grip is not so sure

But I’m still smiling…
From this height


April 20, 2008

Hold On

Hold On

1. Three Fingers and a Mariner’s Song
2. Tough Love
3. Maybe if Lucky
4. Wolves and Sheep
5. Rude Awakenings
6. Some Still Remain
7. Want It
8. Suffice to Waltz
9. Nectarine
10. Sometimes You Need to Lose
11. Leave Again
12. Hell or High Water
13. Whale in a River of Americana Dreams
14. Border Town
15. Last Offerings


I seriously considered leaving this one on the shelf. I've almost always had the approach of taking everything in from life experiences, second hand-stories, books and other media and pure musings, throwing them in a mental blender and setting it to puree until the finished product is complete fiction but still feels true (ideally anyway). Maybe I didn't set it to puree for long enough on this one. There are lots of chunks of me that are recognizably me... but they are often stuck to larger pieces that are fiction or simply not me. For example, I went to New York last winter, but Leave Again was written before the trip. It may seem like I drew from that trip, but in truth it only reflects my time in New York in the sense that I didn't feel the song was a complete misrepresentation that should be discarded after seeing the real place. The same can be said of other people around me; no character is really drawn from a single person if a real person was used at all. Still, while I can always explain away every song, it felt especially easy to misinterpret them in any number of ways I didn't like, and as a result I became terribly self-conscious and even told my fiancee it wold probably only exist on my computer and as the copy I gave her.

I changed my mind mostly because I could give this disclaimer. Yes I wrote it across a massive relationship arc from good, to crisis, to recovery, to happily reformed better than ever. Yes, it was written during my senior year at UVA, and possibly the end of my academic career. And yes, it was written during one of the most significant presidential elections of my life-time so far. That said, like all of my works, I can't imagine a more perilous way to approach these songs than to assume they are autobiographical. It's all very personal on one level or another, but first and foremost it is art.